Scar Tissue

How do I say this....I am so angry, hurt, sad and feel useless.  Today I allowed my anger to control me and my actions were not those of a loving mother or even human being.  There are no excuses for losing my ish EVER and disciplining my children in a way that I know is wrong.  I can't take any of it back..words, actions and the way I feel and made them feel and continue to make them feel with my wounded self.

I punished a child of mine today physically for doing the exact same thing to his sibling.  I feel like shit, I really do.  I am quick to anger and yell a lot and today they just pushed me beyond my limit I had to tell my older child to leave the house because I scared myself.  And now I am sitting here bawling and hating myself and feeling like I don't deserve them.  I looked in the mirror tonight and said how could you treat your child like that, and it triggered something in me.  I saw myself as a child again and thought how they have treated me like that when I should have been safe.  Man I am so screwed up.

I love my kids so much, so so much I would die for them, I would take anything from them if I could that hurt them yet here I am stuffing them up emotionally and mentally with all my baggage and crappy ways.  I know we all have our bad days and kids push you to the absolute brink of insanity and then next hour overwhelming feelings of love and joy.

My husband has no clue what it feels like, we had family counsel for Family Home Evening tonight and I expressed my feelings and apologised and assured them it is NEVER ok for anyone to treat them that way no matter what they do.  And that it was not their fault I couldn't control my temper and anger and frustrations.  Children are so forgiving but I am not.  My husband didn't once ask if I was ok after I broke down a few times or ask I wanted a comfort blessing. I feel so alone in all this yet he's right here.  It distances us more and makes me realise that maybe just maybe I am better alone cause then I can't be let down. 

Anyway I can't write anymore, my eyes are sore and puffy and I need sleep as that is a huge contributing factor to my moods and lack of ability to control my mentalness.  I feel useless, horrible, ugly, monstrous and then I look back at what I wrote and it's all I this and I that bla bla bla that saying I put at the top is so true.  I wish all the ugly crap that has made me this way would piss off and I could have a better control of all of this.

So much scar tissue from childhood and adulthood. When I had my taulima (armband) done, Sam the guy who did the tattoo said to me it would hurt more because he was going over another tattoo and it was like reopening a wound.  This all takes me back to how I felt as a child when my mum would lose the plot with me or how I felt when things happened to me that weren't warranted or called for and how scared and confused I was that someone who claimed to love me could ever hurt me.