Let it Flow

Date:    Monday 23rd January
Time:   9.35pm
Song:   Let it flow - Toni Braxton


"Sometimes love can work out right, but aah sometimes you'll never know it...you're never ever gonna know it.  But if it brings you pain in your life, don't be afraid to let it gooooooo.....let if flow, let if flow, let it flow"

https://youtu.be/lIjJ5mvjjiA

I remember my journal entries with the above headings lol Song even...cause music does heal and speak a thousand words! Oh no Gloria Estefan's song "Here we are" is now playing lol gee I better switch my music off so I can concentrate.......

First day back at school for my four school aged children and it has gone well, everybody was ready at 6am 👀 and tonight everyone in bed before 8pm except my eldest who came with me for some mum and son time cause the father was asleep at 730pm on the couch.  At least he made it through the prayer lol I took a picture of him tonight and put on my snapchat which my kids reckon is mean but I don't have many friends on there and I will keep it that way but even not being a singe person can be lonely and feel so. Having someone physically present means someone is here but as the saying goes...you can be here but not be here...well yeah same diff.  So much happening in my little mind of my own world.  Here's a glimpse into it....

I have cut myself off from one of the abusers in my life, my father.  For myself to heal properly and try to deal with it I had to yet I still make excuses time after time after time for the one I live with.  Yes people say oh he's such a good man and he's so humble and he's so this and that and I agree he is all of those and some but like myself not without flaw or fault.  And some of his habits and addictions have had a profound effect on me and our marriage and continue to do so to this day.  Last night I pretty much just said I am here out of obligation to the children and financial stability until I sort myself out until that time we will be here living under the same roof....no reply just the sad look and I went to bed cause quite frankly nothing more could do any more damage that has already been done. I said that too.  Over the years, I have had to initiate conversations around the matter, suggest solutions, play the mummy and bad guy monitoring and measuring progression etc but I already do that with 5 other beings.  The thought of not having him around scares me because I like the security and the comfort of someone there at arms length when I have needs or feel like being nice and not tough all the time.  Sadly I just allow the abuse to continue for both us, it's not fair to him either and knowing how I feel must tear him up because I don't hide much, even when I try my face and actions say it all.

Everything in me just wants to block it all out again with drink but I am trying to smash it out of my system at the gym which is not happening with my injuries.  The alternative is eating and hating myself and him even more or just carrying on like this unhappy, numb and exploding every now and then to let some steam off.  I start making excuses for his behaviour and feeling sorry and telling myself I need to be patient and be a good wife and see him how God sees him and forgive and bla bla but forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone and allow the same things to continue.  Where's the wisdom in that?  The only way two people travel in the same direction is if they travel in the same direction???? Derrr.  I am so angry with myself and disappointed that I am weak and stay and fear the hard part and what it might do to my kids who I will sacrifice my happiness for but really they don't see happiness they see two miserable people displaying something that is not the example of love I wish them to have.

I know Love is not always going to be 24/7 oohs and aahs like it was in the beginning, far from it. Add some kids, money and life in there and it can be a recipe for disaster but should it be this hard all the time?  Where do you draw the line and say well actually there's no real love there it's all toleration and obligation?  I tolerate my husband most days and love him when I feel nice which is wrong too and my own issues and hard wiring that I am working on are some of the cause of that not his problem.....and here I go making excuses again. I am guilty of many things too but dishonesty is not one of them that's for sure and my husband is the opposite he cannot handle honesty in it purest form not from me anyway.  He will avoid confrontation and discomfort at almost any cost ..... even his family. Love is hard work, hard effin work actually but it needs two people to make it work and to make it worth it not one hard worker and one half assed.  Frick sakes I hate having to make these decisions and it is why I put off buying a new van so long because I feel stuck here for another 5 years ...... if I didn't have my kids I would just fly away to another country and start new.  But that's the impulsive Arianna I use to be, I would just go and do and be what I wanted. 

So here's 5 positive things to end this blog on because I think I should end of that note:

1.  14 years have brought me 5 children and a lot of growth

2.  I have never been beaten up by my husband

3.  I have a roof over my head

4.  I don't have to carry this on my own, there is One who has paid the price and felt it all 

5.  The Lord takes care of all this and some and without me even seeing it sometimes

Time:  10.16am

Song:  Who can I run to - Xscape

"I have strong determination and I'm not afraid of change, I have yet to find that someone who would care to satisfy me, to right by me....oh who can I run to, to share this empty space, tell me who can I run to, when I need love..."

https://youtu.be/xLjyPBQk_Os

PS Music is my therapy, memories, moments and feelings all have soundtracks in my mind lol

Scar Tissue

How do I say this....I am so angry, hurt, sad and feel useless.  Today I allowed my anger to control me and my actions were not those of a loving mother or even human being.  There are no excuses for losing my ish EVER and disciplining my children in a way that I know is wrong.  I can't take any of it back..words, actions and the way I feel and made them feel and continue to make them feel with my wounded self.

I punished a child of mine today physically for doing the exact same thing to his sibling.  I feel like shit, I really do.  I am quick to anger and yell a lot and today they just pushed me beyond my limit I had to tell my older child to leave the house because I scared myself.  And now I am sitting here bawling and hating myself and feeling like I don't deserve them.  I looked in the mirror tonight and said how could you treat your child like that, and it triggered something in me.  I saw myself as a child again and thought how they have treated me like that when I should have been safe.  Man I am so screwed up.

I love my kids so much, so so much I would die for them, I would take anything from them if I could that hurt them yet here I am stuffing them up emotionally and mentally with all my baggage and crappy ways.  I know we all have our bad days and kids push you to the absolute brink of insanity and then next hour overwhelming feelings of love and joy.

My husband has no clue what it feels like, we had family counsel for Family Home Evening tonight and I expressed my feelings and apologised and assured them it is NEVER ok for anyone to treat them that way no matter what they do.  And that it was not their fault I couldn't control my temper and anger and frustrations.  Children are so forgiving but I am not.  My husband didn't once ask if I was ok after I broke down a few times or ask I wanted a comfort blessing. I feel so alone in all this yet he's right here.  It distances us more and makes me realise that maybe just maybe I am better alone cause then I can't be let down. 

Anyway I can't write anymore, my eyes are sore and puffy and I need sleep as that is a huge contributing factor to my moods and lack of ability to control my mentalness.  I feel useless, horrible, ugly, monstrous and then I look back at what I wrote and it's all I this and I that bla bla bla that saying I put at the top is so true.  I wish all the ugly crap that has made me this way would piss off and I could have a better control of all of this.

So much scar tissue from childhood and adulthood. When I had my taulima (armband) done, Sam the guy who did the tattoo said to me it would hurt more because he was going over another tattoo and it was like reopening a wound.  This all takes me back to how I felt as a child when my mum would lose the plot with me or how I felt when things happened to me that weren't warranted or called for and how scared and confused I was that someone who claimed to love me could ever hurt me. 

Mad, Madder and Maddest

 Second of January 2K17 and guess what????  No really, guess what?  Yes that's right ain't a damn thing changed mentally for me! If anything it has got worse and I have unlocked more of the madness during therapy in 2K16 which has made my mind even more cluttered.

Today has just turned really sour for me upstairs...I am unsettled and feeling unhappy.  Yet I know I have much to be happy for but it feels impossible to feel it.  Unhappy in my eternal marriage, lots of scars from years of deceit, addictions and lack of communication or balls to deal with it.  I am torn between doing the right thing for me and the right thing according to the Gospel.........and so the cycle continues driving me to almost breaking point.

 Yesterday was our Sabbath Day and it took a lot of pushing myself to go and try to start the new year on the right foot as I have barely gone the past year.  I went and got nothing from sacrament talks, trying to get anything out of Sunday School is near impossible when Horse is teaching because while I know he is a great instrument in teaching and everyone loves him and bla bla he don't do jack at home with the Gospel, guess who that is left up to?  Yes you guessed it ME! Even when we are sick we don't get blessings but when someone calls and needs blessings he's gone.  I love that he serves others but seriously it makes me resent him and a little bit of the Church.  Maybe I sound ungrateful and the good old Mormon me should just be loving and accommodating and say nothing and just be grateful for a husband cause many don't have them...but since when did mediocre become acceptable...especially if it's not the best you can do. 

I have a problem with that...BIG TIME.  YES I agreed to come here and have all these experiences, good, bad, ugly and just plain horrendous.  But am I and many other women suppose to be miserable and unhappy and stay in an unhappy marriage because we have been sealed for time and eternity and because we have kids? Would any loving Father want to see his daughter miserable and putting up with less than what she is worth? So that is one thing going around in this little old head of mine! Or do I stay the course and force myself to be happy so we make it to Celestial Glory? 

The answer to that will come I guess when I make the decision and face The Lord at Judgement Day.

So I will change colours to demonstrate the range of things happening in my head and heart and everywhere else it seems! Like a little party happening but I'm not invited.  SMH. I feel detached from feeling at times, numb even.  I look at my kids and love them but feel like I can't love them....it's a yuck feeling but I can't control it, like right now they are grizzly and need to go out but unless I make the choice and say let's go then they will stay here and the Father will just sit there waiting for me....I am tired of making all the choices seriously am.  I feel like going on a plane and leaving the lot of them here but even then I won't because of my responsibilities to my children.  Every night I go to bed I go over how I have been to them during the day all the things I have said and done to make them feel...and I vow to not repeat it the next day and then I can't go to sleep till early hours of the morning and alas wake up grumpy and tired and it repeats.....feeling like shiz.  Some days the easiest option would be just dying, seriously dying then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not doing things the best and nice way but I know my spirit will linger and haunt me for leaving my children because let's face it I had them and I have to take care of them.  Meanwhile that bastard goes to sleep and I doubt he lies there thinking about what he can improve or even try to get revelation for our family.

I have drunk, smoked and almost had an affair the past year...dead serious.  Everything just came to a head and I said "I quit, Satan you win, world and universe you win."  I ain't caring no more about doing the right thing.  Why put so much time and effort into a marriage that only one person works for, why go to church and be miserable because I don't live up to the things I should be doing, why can't I escape with alcohol and drugs instead of food like I have for the past 11 years and that's just added to the mentalness, overweight, unhappy and no self esteem.  I just want to scream and cry and punch and kick and get so wasted I don't feel a damn thing, I wanna tell my husband I don't love him and leave him and start a life somewhere else where I know nobody.  I feel caged in here, living here, feeling stuck in my predicament.  Physically I am here but absent every other way. 

The Sexual abuse that I have endured has made me this way I swear it!  It's effects are far reaching, nobody could possibly be 'normal' or feel like a healthy normal person after it especially when it has been at the hands of family.  People you should trust and feel safe with.  Violated, betrayed and made to feel like it was my fault and I should just move on and get over it.  It all came out this year as it does every decade as I keep putting plasters on it, addictions...drink, smoking, drugs, promiscuous past, then returned to church and replaced all that with food which is no better.  And married someone just as damaged and who I allowed to hurt me more.  And here I am , in my head trying to quieten the noise but it just doesn't let up.  I want to  drink to stop it but I know that won't help, I feel stuck, imprisoned in my own mind.  My emotions are high and they are governing my thought process...I need it to stop. 

Not being at the gym for two weeks has not been helpful either and tomorrow I will be back as Creche reopens....I find joy there people I don't know who have no expectations of me and accept me for me and where I am at.  I have a loving sisterhood at church but I feel I can't open up fully, it's too raw and real for them.  I have a few great friends who understand totally and who I can joke about this with.  I can't even bring myself to pray, haven't prayed for a long time.  I don't even want to talk to my hubby about it because I don't want to cry in front of him or anyone else actually.  I need to cry I can feel a big one needing to come out but I am so stubborn I won't allow myself to feel and let it out...cause it's really working all the suppressing it ...... Yeah nah.

I don't think I will escape this mentalness in this life, it is something I have to continue to push through, you should hear all the other 'me's' and what they are saying lol It's not a laughing matter but I don't wanna cry so guess I gotta laugh. 

2017 - it's not your fault, it really isn't.  After all you are just a number and our lives don't reset themselves with the turn of each new year...if only.