Time: 9.35pm
Song: Let it flow - Toni Braxton
"Sometimes love can work out right, but aah sometimes you'll never know it...you're never ever gonna know it. But if it brings you pain in your life, don't be afraid to let it gooooooo.....let if flow, let if flow, let it flow"
https://youtu.be/lIjJ5mvjjiA
I remember my journal entries with the above headings lol Song even...cause music does heal and speak a thousand words! Oh no Gloria Estefan's song "Here we are" is now playing lol gee I better switch my music off so I can concentrate.......
First day back at school for my four school aged children and it has gone well, everybody was ready at 6am 👀 and tonight everyone in bed before 8pm except my eldest who came with me for some mum and son time cause the father was asleep at 730pm on the couch. At least he made it through the prayer lol I took a picture of him tonight and put on my snapchat which my kids reckon is mean but I don't have many friends on there and I will keep it that way but even not being a singe person can be lonely and feel so. Having someone physically present means someone is here but as the saying goes...you can be here but not be here...well yeah same diff. So much happening in my little mind of my own world. Here's a glimpse into it....
I have cut myself off from one of the abusers in my life, my father. For myself to heal properly and try to deal with it I had to yet I still make excuses time after time after time for the one I live with. Yes people say oh he's such a good man and he's so humble and he's so this and that and I agree he is all of those and some but like myself not without flaw or fault. And some of his habits and addictions have had a profound effect on me and our marriage and continue to do so to this day. Last night I pretty much just said I am here out of obligation to the children and financial stability until I sort myself out until that time we will be here living under the same roof....no reply just the sad look and I went to bed cause quite frankly nothing more could do any more damage that has already been done. I said that too. Over the years, I have had to initiate conversations around the matter, suggest solutions, play the mummy and bad guy monitoring and measuring progression etc but I already do that with 5 other beings. The thought of not having him around scares me because I like the security and the comfort of someone there at arms length when I have needs or feel like being nice and not tough all the time. Sadly I just allow the abuse to continue for both us, it's not fair to him either and knowing how I feel must tear him up because I don't hide much, even when I try my face and actions say it all.
Everything in me just wants to block it all out again with drink but I am trying to smash it out of my system at the gym which is not happening with my injuries. The alternative is eating and hating myself and him even more or just carrying on like this unhappy, numb and exploding every now and then to let some steam off. I start making excuses for his behaviour and feeling sorry and telling myself I need to be patient and be a good wife and see him how God sees him and forgive and bla bla but forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone and allow the same things to continue. Where's the wisdom in that? The only way two people travel in the same direction is if they travel in the same direction???? Derrr. I am so angry with myself and disappointed that I am weak and stay and fear the hard part and what it might do to my kids who I will sacrifice my happiness for but really they don't see happiness they see two miserable people displaying something that is not the example of love I wish them to have.
I know Love is not always going to be 24/7 oohs and aahs like it was in the beginning, far from it. Add some kids, money and life in there and it can be a recipe for disaster but should it be this hard all the time? Where do you draw the line and say well actually there's no real love there it's all toleration and obligation? I tolerate my husband most days and love him when I feel nice which is wrong too and my own issues and hard wiring that I am working on are some of the cause of that not his problem.....and here I go making excuses again. I am guilty of many things too but dishonesty is not one of them that's for sure and my husband is the opposite he cannot handle honesty in it purest form not from me anyway. He will avoid confrontation and discomfort at almost any cost ..... even his family. Love is hard work, hard effin work actually but it needs two people to make it work and to make it worth it not one hard worker and one half assed. Frick sakes I hate having to make these decisions and it is why I put off buying a new van so long because I feel stuck here for another 5 years ...... if I didn't have my kids I would just fly away to another country and start new. But that's the impulsive Arianna I use to be, I would just go and do and be what I wanted.
So here's 5 positive things to end this blog on because I think I should end of that note:
1. 14 years have brought me 5 children and a lot of growth
2. I have never been beaten up by my husband
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I don't have to carry this on my own, there is One who has paid the price and felt it all
5. The Lord takes care of all this and some and without me even seeing it sometimes
Time: 10.16am
Song: Who can I run to - Xscape
"I have strong determination and I'm not afraid of change, I have yet to find that someone who would care to satisfy me, to right by me....oh who can I run to, to share this empty space, tell me who can I run to, when I need love..."
https://youtu.be/xLjyPBQk_Os
PS Music is my therapy, memories, moments and feelings all have soundtracks in my mind lol
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