Mobile Blogging

This is juST A TEST REALLY FROM MY PHONE I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT'S CAPS EITHER.  ILL BE BACK TO BLOGGING WHEN I HAVE A DECENT COMPUTER!  STILL FOLLOWING EVERYONE THOUGH

Don't worry be happy

I finally figured how to get the pics from my memory stick and put them onto here lol it's been nearly three years since I blogged, give me a break lol Please don't expect anymore miracles after this! This is a picture of Micah and his cousin Grace playing on the tramp.  This picture makes me happy.

This is Eve at her 5th birthday party the day after her actual birthday.  The house was decorated to suit the theme which was Eve's pretty girl pamper party.  It looked like a scene from Cat in the hat where Cat makes cupcakes and they blow up and purple is sprayed everywhere....yep except it was pink, pink, pink. What a beautiful day for her though, my only daughter and there were 17 of them here! This picture makes me happy. (my butt kind of looks quite sexy there hahahahaha)

Manasseh and Ngatama (who is my 1st cousin) at Uncle James house having a swim.  They remind of little old men sitting there.  Manasseh reminds me of a Koro (Maori word for Grandpa) the way he walks and gets around.  This picture makes me happy.

My big boy Ephraim and his friend Purauti Williams.  During our Christmas stint in Perth we drove out to see some friends of ours, Marc and Emy Williams and their 3 children (now 4 children).  These two were instant mates. This picture makes me happy.

This picture really makes me happy.  Oh to be that age again where riding on the back of a Ute is one of the highlights of your whole holiday.  Uncle Marc took all these kids on the back for a little ride on their 'outback' property.  Eve of course had to be cross eyed but this was the only one I snapped where you could see all their faces even if Tiare is looking up.  These are the kind of pictures I cannot wait for my children to look back on and remember.

Not a care in the world these children, most children actually. Playing outside with friends is my eldest sons biggest worry after school.  To be that free from worries etc would be great but I guess we all gotta grow up sometime huh.  I love looking back over pictures and remembering how I felt when I took them or was in them.  I will admit that as I have had more kids I have not been so good...not that I ever was but there are about 4 dedicated albums just for Ephraim's first year of life *guilt* I know I will look back on all the pictures of them as babies and kids and wish for them to be that small again (they really are all still babies.)

It is nearly midnight and as usual burning the midnight oil.  Today has been a bit stressful to be honest. Financial worries have been the stress of my day.  Living pay to pay and still not being able to get the essentials needed is really wearing me down.  I am grateful for a good job for my hubby and being able to have been a stay at home Mum but I am beginning to question whether it is time for me to go to work and help lift the load.  We have some debt that we have had for a long time now due to just not ever getting on top of it because when we have needed something we have had to top up bank loans and just last year had to get a car that we could all fit in.   Such is life yes, but I do not wish to go back to work and as much as I go crazy some days being at home, I have been able to witness all my children's milestones thus far and now there are two in school.  How much will I miss out on?  I pleaded, and I mean pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me to know what I need to do.  Sad to say but hubby doesn't really take an interest in the financial side of things so I am left with the burden of robbing peter to pay paul then having to repay peter etc.  I pleaded that my husband might have a desire to seek out help through prayer also as I cannot force him.  We cannot put kids into swimming lessons (which is a luxury) and that annoys me and I have to really budget to buy shoes for kids or anything that costs more than $20 $30 and don't even think of replacing any of my raggedy clothes and shoes.  I know there are plenty of families out there in the same boat.  My husband has attempted a few times to go in the Mines but that is not as easy as people think it is especially if you have not been in there before.  I am not sure I want that kind of life either with him gone all the time but again the thing for me is money or time??? Arggggghhhh I despise decisions.

hehehe)

Don't worry be happy.....to feel that way I look at photos like the ones I have posted.  I smile as the children are, longing sometimes to be where they are now in a happy state with not a care in the world. I also feel a little sad knowing that they too must grow up and go through the exact things that we adults have to.  Enjoy life now my babies xo

Mixed emotions

I have thought about blogging all week and weekend but just have not been able to sit down and actually put all my thoughts and feelings down. In case anyone is actually reading this, it may be a heap of stuff that does not make sense but I will let it flow as it comes to mind.

This week I have overdone it again with my time and overcommitment to things....those things being, cakes, friends and a Japanese student.  I love baking and initially I just did it for the love of it and let's face it I love sweet things and they love me too, if you have seen me they love me so much they never leave me and have decided to create a home out of my body particularly in my butt, tummy and legs lol but back to my rambling - I started being asked to make cakes for people and charged which I do not like to do but it does cost money, and a lot of time. TIME! It is something we never get back. So I did a birthday cake last Saturday that took two days pretty much in between juggling family, another cake Thursday and one I am waiting to finish after the butter softens. I love doing things for people but feel I have lost the love of doing it because I am doing it for money and the pressure is more. 

We have been hosting Japanese students since last August and loved it in the beginning, the experience and cultural experiences we learnt but I increased the amount we were receiving it has become an extra task on top of the most important beings in my life..my children, my children who get yelled at and snapped at because I am tired making cakes and having extra students to care for.  The money is helpful but I feel if it is taking it's toll on me and my family than I would rather live close to the edge of poverty than show my children I valued money more than them.  I don't know I am all over the place, next month there is an 11 day home stay and it is for $935 it seems crazy of me not to take that up and I wonder if I am talking myself into still doing it because I see others with same size families as me doing it and think well they are doing it so I should be able to cope..right? Each of us deals with things differently i guess and when I do things I don't do them in halves, when I host students, that is exactly what I do, host them. We take them out to see the sights, I make an extra effort with meals and really take the time getting to know them.  I could be boring and have them stay home and just go for rides but I always think if my kids go abroad I hope somebody would do the same.  It is how I feel about the missionaries as well...whom we have not fed for a long time (random thought there) hmmmm I guess what I am trying to say maybe that I need to stop worrying about how others seem to be coping doing and really evaluate it. 

The next few things that have been heavy on my mind is a mixture of my own opinions....judgements even and I will admit I am not perfect (never said I was) and I do gossip at times, make judgements (i can be very judgemental in my mind at time) and start harboring unkind feelings because of these things.  Hilary Weeks said at Time our for Women.." i don't repeat gossip, so I am only going to say this once..." I liked that but how easy it is to fall into this trap, I have and do even now depending who I surround myself with. Talking about others and assuming things is ugly and i feel ugly when I have fallen trap to it, I know it is an ugly trait and I avoid those whom I know seem to enjoy it and get together with others and do it...yes that is a judgement also maybe they are getting together to sew a blanket or something...hahahaha YES I AM HUMAN

I don't know, I thoroughly enjoy my own company and do not need anyone around to feel validated or accepted I know who I am and I know God's plan for me...which doesn't mean I always make the right choices or think the right things but I accept ownership for those things. I have an Aunt who said to me a while ago to not get in too thick with people so as to avoid gossip and hard feelings.  I try to be a good friend, listen to and bear with those who need me and really love a good friend of mine who will tell me when I need to get my head out of my butt when i am being judgemental or just being silly and letting others take advantage of my kindness.  We sometimes go and meet up with other families at parks because I cannot deal with peoples kids who go wild in my house, I mean wild and sometimes i feel like I must be the only one who thinks trashing a house, jumping on furniture is normal and that is what kids do......sorry but no can deal with that and i usually wanna strangle the kids and their parents for not doing anything. My kids are no way near picture perfect, they are loud and tip toys out BUT i do keep an eye on them, growl them and certainly do not let them trash someones house hence why i also suggest the park so mine do not go and drive someone crazy lol where am I going with this? who knows my mind is a mess.

So this week I will be deciding whether I will take anymore students and i will not make any more cakes on demand and go back to making them out of love not for money.  I will not be available at the drop of a hat for those who need me if it will affect my family life. I cannot have my children seeing me be nice and there for everyone else while putting them last but most importantly putting myself last.  I will not take upon the worlds troubles and feel I have to solve them. I will try not to judge when i feel people are gossiping or being nosey and only befriending because they will get something out of it (yes judgement again!)

I have been enjoying reading Lisa's blog and Seven Cherubs, i felt a bit guilty for airing my blah on here considering what the King family have gone through, but life goes on for everyone, it doesn't stop in the midst of tragedy, death..anything it goes on. Depression continues to try to wear you down and become the better of you no matter what is happening. I am still thinking of the King family often and have shared it with my children what has happened to them and told them about treating each other better and showing our love more because we never know what could happen tomorrow. 

sorry i cannot add photos yet...i am a technical dinosaur and also too lazy to plug external in from other room to get some will do when I have some more time gotta go

Mind Mush

After such a restless night, my mind literally feels like mush.  I haven't been able to keep my thoughts from the King family who today will lay their Husband, Father, Son, Brother and friend to rest.  All sorts of thoughts and feeling come to mind.....sorrow, separation, grief, pain, anger, happiness, sympathy, helplessness, mournful.  A scripture came to mind last night as I read from Seven Cherubs blog and posts on Facebook and the thoughtful gesture Naomi has started in raising funds to help ease the financial burden. 

In Mosiah 18:9 we read:

"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort......"

The magnitude of those that are willing to do just that is overwhelming, not surprising but overwhelming.  Why am I not surprised? Because there are so many good people out there still in this lone and dreary world, willing to help those who they do not even know yet wish to mourn with and comfort others.  Just turn on the news at any given time and there is reason for many to believe that there is no good left, no good people as we have witnessed just in this circumstance.  Perhaps if there were news broadcasts that would show only good news, good things that people do and accomplish and maybe just maybe the world be a bit more cheerful, people would feel better about life in general....they say sleep equals sleep (that's what family centre told me about making my firstborn sleep and it's ripple effect) so it would be the same good equals good. 

I cannot fathom the feelings that the King family are going through today and will do each day that follows, I just know that we have remembered you in our prayers, have thought of you non stop and will continue to do those things. I pray that they will have the continued support following this day and often people are flooded with family, friends and support and left alone in the following weeks and months which is when the support and love is needed most.  I very much doubt it though, seeing and reading those that will continue on with that.

It's now 610am, Ephraim (6yo, eldest) woke at 430am so how he will cope by end of the day is any ones guess....this kid has always been a nightmare for sleep! Before I leave here is a short list of the things I am grateful for:

- life

- clean water

- the ability to read and write

- the ability to rear and raise children

- a husband who puts up with me and my demanding ways

- my mother

- to have full function of all my senses

.......so much more to be grateful for but these are the first things that came to mind this early hour. Thinking of you King Family, mourning with you....God bless you all.

Still mad

So I have spent over an hour looking for my old Mama Madness posts that I deleted 3 years ago without thinking and voila they are DELETED! Hmmmm would have been interesting to see what crazy things I wrote back then.  When I first started to blog I had not long had my 3rd child Micah, blessed spirit he is.  The horrific start to his life and the lung disease (Bronchiectasis) he now has, each birthday we spend with him we cherish, each day actually.  The need to continue blogging has been a long awaited one for my sanity and maybe for the sanity of those who may read...I noticed I lost all my followers when I deleted the previous posts.  I talk to myself half the time now so it won't make too much of a difference right???

So life for now.....as you can see in the intro about me there are now 4 children.  We moved to Australia September 20 2009 and I gave birth to Manasseh August 10 2010 much to my surprise (being pregnant not giving birth because after 4 there are no surprises!) Still suffering from PND (Postnatal depression) has made life very challenging at times especially after the birth of my 4th.  I won't go into details right now because with each post my mentalness will unfold and you will get an insight..perhaps feel normal yourself. 

I am the wife of a wonderful man and mother to 3 sons and 1 princess, I stay at home and nurture these babies, keeping house, knowing I was called of God to do so...I don't have much time to myself, much money or even a beautiful body, my name is Arianna Winiana and I am a Mormon : )