Second of January 2K17 and guess what???? No really, guess what? Yes that's right ain't a damn thing changed mentally for me! If anything it has got worse and I have unlocked more of the madness during therapy in 2K16 which has made my mind even more cluttered.
Today has just turned really sour for me upstairs...I am unsettled and feeling unhappy. Yet I know I have much to be happy for but it feels impossible to feel it. Unhappy in my eternal marriage, lots of scars from years of deceit, addictions and lack of communication or balls to deal with it. I am torn between doing the right thing for me and the right thing according to the Gospel.........and so the cycle continues driving me to almost breaking point.
Yesterday was our Sabbath Day and it took a lot of pushing myself to go and try to start the new year on the right foot as I have barely gone the past year. I went and got nothing from sacrament talks, trying to get anything out of Sunday School is near impossible when Horse is teaching because while I know he is a great instrument in teaching and everyone loves him and bla bla he don't do jack at home with the Gospel, guess who that is left up to? Yes you guessed it ME! Even when we are sick we don't get blessings but when someone calls and needs blessings he's gone. I love that he serves others but seriously it makes me resent him and a little bit of the Church. Maybe I sound ungrateful and the good old Mormon me should just be loving and accommodating and say nothing and just be grateful for a husband cause many don't have them...but since when did mediocre become acceptable...especially if it's not the best you can do.
I have a problem with that...BIG TIME. YES I agreed to come here and have all these experiences, good, bad, ugly and just plain horrendous. But am I and many other women suppose to be miserable and unhappy and stay in an unhappy marriage because we have been sealed for time and eternity and because we have kids? Would any loving Father want to see his daughter miserable and putting up with less than what she is worth? So that is one thing going around in this little old head of mine! Or do I stay the course and force myself to be happy so we make it to Celestial Glory?
The answer to that will come I guess when I make the decision and face The Lord at Judgement Day.
So I will change colours to demonstrate the range of things happening in my head and heart and everywhere else it seems! Like a little party happening but I'm not invited. SMH. I feel detached from feeling at times, numb even. I look at my kids and love them but feel like I can't love them....it's a yuck feeling but I can't control it, like right now they are grizzly and need to go out but unless I make the choice and say let's go then they will stay here and the Father will just sit there waiting for me....I am tired of making all the choices seriously am. I feel like going on a plane and leaving the lot of them here but even then I won't because of my responsibilities to my children. Every night I go to bed I go over how I have been to them during the day all the things I have said and done to make them feel...and I vow to not repeat it the next day and then I can't go to sleep till early hours of the morning and alas wake up grumpy and tired and it repeats.....feeling like shiz. Some days the easiest option would be just dying, seriously dying then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not doing things the best and nice way but I know my spirit will linger and haunt me for leaving my children because let's face it I had them and I have to take care of them. Meanwhile that bastard goes to sleep and I doubt he lies there thinking about what he can improve or even try to get revelation for our family.
I have drunk, smoked and almost had an affair the past year...dead serious. Everything just came to a head and I said "I quit, Satan you win, world and universe you win." I ain't caring no more about doing the right thing. Why put so much time and effort into a marriage that only one person works for, why go to church and be miserable because I don't live up to the things I should be doing, why can't I escape with alcohol and drugs instead of food like I have for the past 11 years and that's just added to the mentalness, overweight, unhappy and no self esteem. I just want to scream and cry and punch and kick and get so wasted I don't feel a damn thing, I wanna tell my husband I don't love him and leave him and start a life somewhere else where I know nobody. I feel caged in here, living here, feeling stuck in my predicament. Physically I am here but absent every other way.
The Sexual abuse that I have endured has made me this way I swear it! It's effects are far reaching, nobody could possibly be 'normal' or feel like a healthy normal person after it especially when it has been at the hands of family. People you should trust and feel safe with. Violated, betrayed and made to feel like it was my fault and I should just move on and get over it. It all came out this year as it does every decade as I keep putting plasters on it, addictions...drink, smoking, drugs, promiscuous past, then returned to church and replaced all that with food which is no better. And married someone just as damaged and who I allowed to hurt me more. And here I am , in my head trying to quieten the noise but it just doesn't let up. I want to drink to stop it but I know that won't help, I feel stuck, imprisoned in my own mind. My emotions are high and they are governing my thought process...I need it to stop.
Not being at the gym for two weeks has not been helpful either and tomorrow I will be back as Creche reopens....I find joy there people I don't know who have no expectations of me and accept me for me and where I am at. I have a loving sisterhood at church but I feel I can't open up fully, it's too raw and real for them. I have a few great friends who understand totally and who I can joke about this with. I can't even bring myself to pray, haven't prayed for a long time. I don't even want to talk to my hubby about it because I don't want to cry in front of him or anyone else actually. I need to cry I can feel a big one needing to come out but I am so stubborn I won't allow myself to feel and let it out...cause it's really working all the suppressing it ...... Yeah nah.
I don't think I will escape this mentalness in this life, it is something I have to continue to push through, you should hear all the other 'me's' and what they are saying lol It's not a laughing matter but I don't wanna cry so guess I gotta laugh.
2017 - it's not your fault, it really isn't. After all you are just a number and our lives don't reset themselves with the turn of each new year...if only.
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