Mixed emotions

I have thought about blogging all week and weekend but just have not been able to sit down and actually put all my thoughts and feelings down. In case anyone is actually reading this, it may be a heap of stuff that does not make sense but I will let it flow as it comes to mind.

This week I have overdone it again with my time and overcommitment to things....those things being, cakes, friends and a Japanese student.  I love baking and initially I just did it for the love of it and let's face it I love sweet things and they love me too, if you have seen me they love me so much they never leave me and have decided to create a home out of my body particularly in my butt, tummy and legs lol but back to my rambling - I started being asked to make cakes for people and charged which I do not like to do but it does cost money, and a lot of time. TIME! It is something we never get back. So I did a birthday cake last Saturday that took two days pretty much in between juggling family, another cake Thursday and one I am waiting to finish after the butter softens. I love doing things for people but feel I have lost the love of doing it because I am doing it for money and the pressure is more. 

We have been hosting Japanese students since last August and loved it in the beginning, the experience and cultural experiences we learnt but I increased the amount we were receiving it has become an extra task on top of the most important beings in my life..my children, my children who get yelled at and snapped at because I am tired making cakes and having extra students to care for.  The money is helpful but I feel if it is taking it's toll on me and my family than I would rather live close to the edge of poverty than show my children I valued money more than them.  I don't know I am all over the place, next month there is an 11 day home stay and it is for $935 it seems crazy of me not to take that up and I wonder if I am talking myself into still doing it because I see others with same size families as me doing it and think well they are doing it so I should be able to cope..right? Each of us deals with things differently i guess and when I do things I don't do them in halves, when I host students, that is exactly what I do, host them. We take them out to see the sights, I make an extra effort with meals and really take the time getting to know them.  I could be boring and have them stay home and just go for rides but I always think if my kids go abroad I hope somebody would do the same.  It is how I feel about the missionaries as well...whom we have not fed for a long time (random thought there) hmmmm I guess what I am trying to say maybe that I need to stop worrying about how others seem to be coping doing and really evaluate it. 

The next few things that have been heavy on my mind is a mixture of my own opinions....judgements even and I will admit I am not perfect (never said I was) and I do gossip at times, make judgements (i can be very judgemental in my mind at time) and start harboring unkind feelings because of these things.  Hilary Weeks said at Time our for Women.." i don't repeat gossip, so I am only going to say this once..." I liked that but how easy it is to fall into this trap, I have and do even now depending who I surround myself with. Talking about others and assuming things is ugly and i feel ugly when I have fallen trap to it, I know it is an ugly trait and I avoid those whom I know seem to enjoy it and get together with others and do it...yes that is a judgement also maybe they are getting together to sew a blanket or something...hahahaha YES I AM HUMAN

I don't know, I thoroughly enjoy my own company and do not need anyone around to feel validated or accepted I know who I am and I know God's plan for me...which doesn't mean I always make the right choices or think the right things but I accept ownership for those things. I have an Aunt who said to me a while ago to not get in too thick with people so as to avoid gossip and hard feelings.  I try to be a good friend, listen to and bear with those who need me and really love a good friend of mine who will tell me when I need to get my head out of my butt when i am being judgemental or just being silly and letting others take advantage of my kindness.  We sometimes go and meet up with other families at parks because I cannot deal with peoples kids who go wild in my house, I mean wild and sometimes i feel like I must be the only one who thinks trashing a house, jumping on furniture is normal and that is what kids do......sorry but no can deal with that and i usually wanna strangle the kids and their parents for not doing anything. My kids are no way near picture perfect, they are loud and tip toys out BUT i do keep an eye on them, growl them and certainly do not let them trash someones house hence why i also suggest the park so mine do not go and drive someone crazy lol where am I going with this? who knows my mind is a mess.

So this week I will be deciding whether I will take anymore students and i will not make any more cakes on demand and go back to making them out of love not for money.  I will not be available at the drop of a hat for those who need me if it will affect my family life. I cannot have my children seeing me be nice and there for everyone else while putting them last but most importantly putting myself last.  I will not take upon the worlds troubles and feel I have to solve them. I will try not to judge when i feel people are gossiping or being nosey and only befriending because they will get something out of it (yes judgement again!)

I have been enjoying reading Lisa's blog and Seven Cherubs, i felt a bit guilty for airing my blah on here considering what the King family have gone through, but life goes on for everyone, it doesn't stop in the midst of tragedy, death..anything it goes on. Depression continues to try to wear you down and become the better of you no matter what is happening. I am still thinking of the King family often and have shared it with my children what has happened to them and told them about treating each other better and showing our love more because we never know what could happen tomorrow. 

sorry i cannot add photos yet...i am a technical dinosaur and also too lazy to plug external in from other room to get some will do when I have some more time gotta go