Let it Flow

Date:    Monday 23rd January
Time:   9.35pm
Song:   Let it flow - Toni Braxton


"Sometimes love can work out right, but aah sometimes you'll never know it...you're never ever gonna know it.  But if it brings you pain in your life, don't be afraid to let it gooooooo.....let if flow, let if flow, let it flow"

https://youtu.be/lIjJ5mvjjiA

I remember my journal entries with the above headings lol Song even...cause music does heal and speak a thousand words! Oh no Gloria Estefan's song "Here we are" is now playing lol gee I better switch my music off so I can concentrate.......

First day back at school for my four school aged children and it has gone well, everybody was ready at 6am 👀 and tonight everyone in bed before 8pm except my eldest who came with me for some mum and son time cause the father was asleep at 730pm on the couch.  At least he made it through the prayer lol I took a picture of him tonight and put on my snapchat which my kids reckon is mean but I don't have many friends on there and I will keep it that way but even not being a singe person can be lonely and feel so. Having someone physically present means someone is here but as the saying goes...you can be here but not be here...well yeah same diff.  So much happening in my little mind of my own world.  Here's a glimpse into it....

I have cut myself off from one of the abusers in my life, my father.  For myself to heal properly and try to deal with it I had to yet I still make excuses time after time after time for the one I live with.  Yes people say oh he's such a good man and he's so humble and he's so this and that and I agree he is all of those and some but like myself not without flaw or fault.  And some of his habits and addictions have had a profound effect on me and our marriage and continue to do so to this day.  Last night I pretty much just said I am here out of obligation to the children and financial stability until I sort myself out until that time we will be here living under the same roof....no reply just the sad look and I went to bed cause quite frankly nothing more could do any more damage that has already been done. I said that too.  Over the years, I have had to initiate conversations around the matter, suggest solutions, play the mummy and bad guy monitoring and measuring progression etc but I already do that with 5 other beings.  The thought of not having him around scares me because I like the security and the comfort of someone there at arms length when I have needs or feel like being nice and not tough all the time.  Sadly I just allow the abuse to continue for both us, it's not fair to him either and knowing how I feel must tear him up because I don't hide much, even when I try my face and actions say it all.

Everything in me just wants to block it all out again with drink but I am trying to smash it out of my system at the gym which is not happening with my injuries.  The alternative is eating and hating myself and him even more or just carrying on like this unhappy, numb and exploding every now and then to let some steam off.  I start making excuses for his behaviour and feeling sorry and telling myself I need to be patient and be a good wife and see him how God sees him and forgive and bla bla but forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone and allow the same things to continue.  Where's the wisdom in that?  The only way two people travel in the same direction is if they travel in the same direction???? Derrr.  I am so angry with myself and disappointed that I am weak and stay and fear the hard part and what it might do to my kids who I will sacrifice my happiness for but really they don't see happiness they see two miserable people displaying something that is not the example of love I wish them to have.

I know Love is not always going to be 24/7 oohs and aahs like it was in the beginning, far from it. Add some kids, money and life in there and it can be a recipe for disaster but should it be this hard all the time?  Where do you draw the line and say well actually there's no real love there it's all toleration and obligation?  I tolerate my husband most days and love him when I feel nice which is wrong too and my own issues and hard wiring that I am working on are some of the cause of that not his problem.....and here I go making excuses again. I am guilty of many things too but dishonesty is not one of them that's for sure and my husband is the opposite he cannot handle honesty in it purest form not from me anyway.  He will avoid confrontation and discomfort at almost any cost ..... even his family. Love is hard work, hard effin work actually but it needs two people to make it work and to make it worth it not one hard worker and one half assed.  Frick sakes I hate having to make these decisions and it is why I put off buying a new van so long because I feel stuck here for another 5 years ...... if I didn't have my kids I would just fly away to another country and start new.  But that's the impulsive Arianna I use to be, I would just go and do and be what I wanted. 

So here's 5 positive things to end this blog on because I think I should end of that note:

1.  14 years have brought me 5 children and a lot of growth

2.  I have never been beaten up by my husband

3.  I have a roof over my head

4.  I don't have to carry this on my own, there is One who has paid the price and felt it all 

5.  The Lord takes care of all this and some and without me even seeing it sometimes

Time:  10.16am

Song:  Who can I run to - Xscape

"I have strong determination and I'm not afraid of change, I have yet to find that someone who would care to satisfy me, to right by me....oh who can I run to, to share this empty space, tell me who can I run to, when I need love..."

https://youtu.be/xLjyPBQk_Os

PS Music is my therapy, memories, moments and feelings all have soundtracks in my mind lol

Scar Tissue

How do I say this....I am so angry, hurt, sad and feel useless.  Today I allowed my anger to control me and my actions were not those of a loving mother or even human being.  There are no excuses for losing my ish EVER and disciplining my children in a way that I know is wrong.  I can't take any of it back..words, actions and the way I feel and made them feel and continue to make them feel with my wounded self.

I punished a child of mine today physically for doing the exact same thing to his sibling.  I feel like shit, I really do.  I am quick to anger and yell a lot and today they just pushed me beyond my limit I had to tell my older child to leave the house because I scared myself.  And now I am sitting here bawling and hating myself and feeling like I don't deserve them.  I looked in the mirror tonight and said how could you treat your child like that, and it triggered something in me.  I saw myself as a child again and thought how they have treated me like that when I should have been safe.  Man I am so screwed up.

I love my kids so much, so so much I would die for them, I would take anything from them if I could that hurt them yet here I am stuffing them up emotionally and mentally with all my baggage and crappy ways.  I know we all have our bad days and kids push you to the absolute brink of insanity and then next hour overwhelming feelings of love and joy.

My husband has no clue what it feels like, we had family counsel for Family Home Evening tonight and I expressed my feelings and apologised and assured them it is NEVER ok for anyone to treat them that way no matter what they do.  And that it was not their fault I couldn't control my temper and anger and frustrations.  Children are so forgiving but I am not.  My husband didn't once ask if I was ok after I broke down a few times or ask I wanted a comfort blessing. I feel so alone in all this yet he's right here.  It distances us more and makes me realise that maybe just maybe I am better alone cause then I can't be let down. 

Anyway I can't write anymore, my eyes are sore and puffy and I need sleep as that is a huge contributing factor to my moods and lack of ability to control my mentalness.  I feel useless, horrible, ugly, monstrous and then I look back at what I wrote and it's all I this and I that bla bla bla that saying I put at the top is so true.  I wish all the ugly crap that has made me this way would piss off and I could have a better control of all of this.

So much scar tissue from childhood and adulthood. When I had my taulima (armband) done, Sam the guy who did the tattoo said to me it would hurt more because he was going over another tattoo and it was like reopening a wound.  This all takes me back to how I felt as a child when my mum would lose the plot with me or how I felt when things happened to me that weren't warranted or called for and how scared and confused I was that someone who claimed to love me could ever hurt me. 

Mad, Madder and Maddest

 Second of January 2K17 and guess what????  No really, guess what?  Yes that's right ain't a damn thing changed mentally for me! If anything it has got worse and I have unlocked more of the madness during therapy in 2K16 which has made my mind even more cluttered.

Today has just turned really sour for me upstairs...I am unsettled and feeling unhappy.  Yet I know I have much to be happy for but it feels impossible to feel it.  Unhappy in my eternal marriage, lots of scars from years of deceit, addictions and lack of communication or balls to deal with it.  I am torn between doing the right thing for me and the right thing according to the Gospel.........and so the cycle continues driving me to almost breaking point.

 Yesterday was our Sabbath Day and it took a lot of pushing myself to go and try to start the new year on the right foot as I have barely gone the past year.  I went and got nothing from sacrament talks, trying to get anything out of Sunday School is near impossible when Horse is teaching because while I know he is a great instrument in teaching and everyone loves him and bla bla he don't do jack at home with the Gospel, guess who that is left up to?  Yes you guessed it ME! Even when we are sick we don't get blessings but when someone calls and needs blessings he's gone.  I love that he serves others but seriously it makes me resent him and a little bit of the Church.  Maybe I sound ungrateful and the good old Mormon me should just be loving and accommodating and say nothing and just be grateful for a husband cause many don't have them...but since when did mediocre become acceptable...especially if it's not the best you can do. 

I have a problem with that...BIG TIME.  YES I agreed to come here and have all these experiences, good, bad, ugly and just plain horrendous.  But am I and many other women suppose to be miserable and unhappy and stay in an unhappy marriage because we have been sealed for time and eternity and because we have kids? Would any loving Father want to see his daughter miserable and putting up with less than what she is worth? So that is one thing going around in this little old head of mine! Or do I stay the course and force myself to be happy so we make it to Celestial Glory? 

The answer to that will come I guess when I make the decision and face The Lord at Judgement Day.

So I will change colours to demonstrate the range of things happening in my head and heart and everywhere else it seems! Like a little party happening but I'm not invited.  SMH. I feel detached from feeling at times, numb even.  I look at my kids and love them but feel like I can't love them....it's a yuck feeling but I can't control it, like right now they are grizzly and need to go out but unless I make the choice and say let's go then they will stay here and the Father will just sit there waiting for me....I am tired of making all the choices seriously am.  I feel like going on a plane and leaving the lot of them here but even then I won't because of my responsibilities to my children.  Every night I go to bed I go over how I have been to them during the day all the things I have said and done to make them feel...and I vow to not repeat it the next day and then I can't go to sleep till early hours of the morning and alas wake up grumpy and tired and it repeats.....feeling like shiz.  Some days the easiest option would be just dying, seriously dying then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not doing things the best and nice way but I know my spirit will linger and haunt me for leaving my children because let's face it I had them and I have to take care of them.  Meanwhile that bastard goes to sleep and I doubt he lies there thinking about what he can improve or even try to get revelation for our family.

I have drunk, smoked and almost had an affair the past year...dead serious.  Everything just came to a head and I said "I quit, Satan you win, world and universe you win."  I ain't caring no more about doing the right thing.  Why put so much time and effort into a marriage that only one person works for, why go to church and be miserable because I don't live up to the things I should be doing, why can't I escape with alcohol and drugs instead of food like I have for the past 11 years and that's just added to the mentalness, overweight, unhappy and no self esteem.  I just want to scream and cry and punch and kick and get so wasted I don't feel a damn thing, I wanna tell my husband I don't love him and leave him and start a life somewhere else where I know nobody.  I feel caged in here, living here, feeling stuck in my predicament.  Physically I am here but absent every other way. 

The Sexual abuse that I have endured has made me this way I swear it!  It's effects are far reaching, nobody could possibly be 'normal' or feel like a healthy normal person after it especially when it has been at the hands of family.  People you should trust and feel safe with.  Violated, betrayed and made to feel like it was my fault and I should just move on and get over it.  It all came out this year as it does every decade as I keep putting plasters on it, addictions...drink, smoking, drugs, promiscuous past, then returned to church and replaced all that with food which is no better.  And married someone just as damaged and who I allowed to hurt me more.  And here I am , in my head trying to quieten the noise but it just doesn't let up.  I want to  drink to stop it but I know that won't help, I feel stuck, imprisoned in my own mind.  My emotions are high and they are governing my thought process...I need it to stop. 

Not being at the gym for two weeks has not been helpful either and tomorrow I will be back as Creche reopens....I find joy there people I don't know who have no expectations of me and accept me for me and where I am at.  I have a loving sisterhood at church but I feel I can't open up fully, it's too raw and real for them.  I have a few great friends who understand totally and who I can joke about this with.  I can't even bring myself to pray, haven't prayed for a long time.  I don't even want to talk to my hubby about it because I don't want to cry in front of him or anyone else actually.  I need to cry I can feel a big one needing to come out but I am so stubborn I won't allow myself to feel and let it out...cause it's really working all the suppressing it ...... Yeah nah.

I don't think I will escape this mentalness in this life, it is something I have to continue to push through, you should hear all the other 'me's' and what they are saying lol It's not a laughing matter but I don't wanna cry so guess I gotta laugh. 

2017 - it's not your fault, it really isn't.  After all you are just a number and our lives don't reset themselves with the turn of each new year...if only.   

Crossroads

Worked real hard for years to change my ways, forgetting the old me putting aside my natural man then something happens and how easily it is to fall back into the old me.  Those doors open again do I walk through them or slam them shut! (Not asking you)  One foot on either side already. Only 1 person knows the real me, under all the flaws, imperfections, outward behaviours, bad decisions and terrible mistakes. 

Something in me has changed over the years, softened, humbled and grown up.  Experience has taught and chastened me, marriage and motherhood made me more than I thought I could ever be. Crossed paths with many for good and bad reasons, a heart that was once so tender and fragile yet closed, life of the party on the outside but inside a mess. Lots of choices I made along my journey have equally been good and bad. I have fought hard to remain steadfast yet here I am at a crossroads in my life MY LIFE! No one elses. 

A call to step back into the darkside, a pull towards staying on the path I have firmly strived to remain on.  It shouldn't be such a battle to decide. 

Mobile Blogging

This is juST A TEST REALLY FROM MY PHONE I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT'S CAPS EITHER.  ILL BE BACK TO BLOGGING WHEN I HAVE A DECENT COMPUTER!  STILL FOLLOWING EVERYONE THOUGH

Don't worry be happy

I finally figured how to get the pics from my memory stick and put them onto here lol it's been nearly three years since I blogged, give me a break lol Please don't expect anymore miracles after this! This is a picture of Micah and his cousin Grace playing on the tramp.  This picture makes me happy.

This is Eve at her 5th birthday party the day after her actual birthday.  The house was decorated to suit the theme which was Eve's pretty girl pamper party.  It looked like a scene from Cat in the hat where Cat makes cupcakes and they blow up and purple is sprayed everywhere....yep except it was pink, pink, pink. What a beautiful day for her though, my only daughter and there were 17 of them here! This picture makes me happy. (my butt kind of looks quite sexy there hahahahaha)

Manasseh and Ngatama (who is my 1st cousin) at Uncle James house having a swim.  They remind of little old men sitting there.  Manasseh reminds me of a Koro (Maori word for Grandpa) the way he walks and gets around.  This picture makes me happy.

My big boy Ephraim and his friend Purauti Williams.  During our Christmas stint in Perth we drove out to see some friends of ours, Marc and Emy Williams and their 3 children (now 4 children).  These two were instant mates. This picture makes me happy.

This picture really makes me happy.  Oh to be that age again where riding on the back of a Ute is one of the highlights of your whole holiday.  Uncle Marc took all these kids on the back for a little ride on their 'outback' property.  Eve of course had to be cross eyed but this was the only one I snapped where you could see all their faces even if Tiare is looking up.  These are the kind of pictures I cannot wait for my children to look back on and remember.

Not a care in the world these children, most children actually. Playing outside with friends is my eldest sons biggest worry after school.  To be that free from worries etc would be great but I guess we all gotta grow up sometime huh.  I love looking back over pictures and remembering how I felt when I took them or was in them.  I will admit that as I have had more kids I have not been so good...not that I ever was but there are about 4 dedicated albums just for Ephraim's first year of life *guilt* I know I will look back on all the pictures of them as babies and kids and wish for them to be that small again (they really are all still babies.)

It is nearly midnight and as usual burning the midnight oil.  Today has been a bit stressful to be honest. Financial worries have been the stress of my day.  Living pay to pay and still not being able to get the essentials needed is really wearing me down.  I am grateful for a good job for my hubby and being able to have been a stay at home Mum but I am beginning to question whether it is time for me to go to work and help lift the load.  We have some debt that we have had for a long time now due to just not ever getting on top of it because when we have needed something we have had to top up bank loans and just last year had to get a car that we could all fit in.   Such is life yes, but I do not wish to go back to work and as much as I go crazy some days being at home, I have been able to witness all my children's milestones thus far and now there are two in school.  How much will I miss out on?  I pleaded, and I mean pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me to know what I need to do.  Sad to say but hubby doesn't really take an interest in the financial side of things so I am left with the burden of robbing peter to pay paul then having to repay peter etc.  I pleaded that my husband might have a desire to seek out help through prayer also as I cannot force him.  We cannot put kids into swimming lessons (which is a luxury) and that annoys me and I have to really budget to buy shoes for kids or anything that costs more than $20 $30 and don't even think of replacing any of my raggedy clothes and shoes.  I know there are plenty of families out there in the same boat.  My husband has attempted a few times to go in the Mines but that is not as easy as people think it is especially if you have not been in there before.  I am not sure I want that kind of life either with him gone all the time but again the thing for me is money or time??? Arggggghhhh I despise decisions.

hehehe)

Don't worry be happy.....to feel that way I look at photos like the ones I have posted.  I smile as the children are, longing sometimes to be where they are now in a happy state with not a care in the world. I also feel a little sad knowing that they too must grow up and go through the exact things that we adults have to.  Enjoy life now my babies xo

Mixed emotions

I have thought about blogging all week and weekend but just have not been able to sit down and actually put all my thoughts and feelings down. In case anyone is actually reading this, it may be a heap of stuff that does not make sense but I will let it flow as it comes to mind.

This week I have overdone it again with my time and overcommitment to things....those things being, cakes, friends and a Japanese student.  I love baking and initially I just did it for the love of it and let's face it I love sweet things and they love me too, if you have seen me they love me so much they never leave me and have decided to create a home out of my body particularly in my butt, tummy and legs lol but back to my rambling - I started being asked to make cakes for people and charged which I do not like to do but it does cost money, and a lot of time. TIME! It is something we never get back. So I did a birthday cake last Saturday that took two days pretty much in between juggling family, another cake Thursday and one I am waiting to finish after the butter softens. I love doing things for people but feel I have lost the love of doing it because I am doing it for money and the pressure is more. 

We have been hosting Japanese students since last August and loved it in the beginning, the experience and cultural experiences we learnt but I increased the amount we were receiving it has become an extra task on top of the most important beings in my life..my children, my children who get yelled at and snapped at because I am tired making cakes and having extra students to care for.  The money is helpful but I feel if it is taking it's toll on me and my family than I would rather live close to the edge of poverty than show my children I valued money more than them.  I don't know I am all over the place, next month there is an 11 day home stay and it is for $935 it seems crazy of me not to take that up and I wonder if I am talking myself into still doing it because I see others with same size families as me doing it and think well they are doing it so I should be able to cope..right? Each of us deals with things differently i guess and when I do things I don't do them in halves, when I host students, that is exactly what I do, host them. We take them out to see the sights, I make an extra effort with meals and really take the time getting to know them.  I could be boring and have them stay home and just go for rides but I always think if my kids go abroad I hope somebody would do the same.  It is how I feel about the missionaries as well...whom we have not fed for a long time (random thought there) hmmmm I guess what I am trying to say maybe that I need to stop worrying about how others seem to be coping doing and really evaluate it. 

The next few things that have been heavy on my mind is a mixture of my own opinions....judgements even and I will admit I am not perfect (never said I was) and I do gossip at times, make judgements (i can be very judgemental in my mind at time) and start harboring unkind feelings because of these things.  Hilary Weeks said at Time our for Women.." i don't repeat gossip, so I am only going to say this once..." I liked that but how easy it is to fall into this trap, I have and do even now depending who I surround myself with. Talking about others and assuming things is ugly and i feel ugly when I have fallen trap to it, I know it is an ugly trait and I avoid those whom I know seem to enjoy it and get together with others and do it...yes that is a judgement also maybe they are getting together to sew a blanket or something...hahahaha YES I AM HUMAN

I don't know, I thoroughly enjoy my own company and do not need anyone around to feel validated or accepted I know who I am and I know God's plan for me...which doesn't mean I always make the right choices or think the right things but I accept ownership for those things. I have an Aunt who said to me a while ago to not get in too thick with people so as to avoid gossip and hard feelings.  I try to be a good friend, listen to and bear with those who need me and really love a good friend of mine who will tell me when I need to get my head out of my butt when i am being judgemental or just being silly and letting others take advantage of my kindness.  We sometimes go and meet up with other families at parks because I cannot deal with peoples kids who go wild in my house, I mean wild and sometimes i feel like I must be the only one who thinks trashing a house, jumping on furniture is normal and that is what kids do......sorry but no can deal with that and i usually wanna strangle the kids and their parents for not doing anything. My kids are no way near picture perfect, they are loud and tip toys out BUT i do keep an eye on them, growl them and certainly do not let them trash someones house hence why i also suggest the park so mine do not go and drive someone crazy lol where am I going with this? who knows my mind is a mess.

So this week I will be deciding whether I will take anymore students and i will not make any more cakes on demand and go back to making them out of love not for money.  I will not be available at the drop of a hat for those who need me if it will affect my family life. I cannot have my children seeing me be nice and there for everyone else while putting them last but most importantly putting myself last.  I will not take upon the worlds troubles and feel I have to solve them. I will try not to judge when i feel people are gossiping or being nosey and only befriending because they will get something out of it (yes judgement again!)

I have been enjoying reading Lisa's blog and Seven Cherubs, i felt a bit guilty for airing my blah on here considering what the King family have gone through, but life goes on for everyone, it doesn't stop in the midst of tragedy, death..anything it goes on. Depression continues to try to wear you down and become the better of you no matter what is happening. I am still thinking of the King family often and have shared it with my children what has happened to them and told them about treating each other better and showing our love more because we never know what could happen tomorrow. 

sorry i cannot add photos yet...i am a technical dinosaur and also too lazy to plug external in from other room to get some will do when I have some more time gotta go